View Full Version : Yay - 1st thread in here :D
Normally, this post would get the shit kicked out of it by the mods.... :D
THE 40 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times.The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.
3. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument;it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do the trick.
5. PHONE TURN-Off: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
8. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. here is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?
13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon. If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take" your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. Of he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know- how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off in to well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.
22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.
23. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.
24. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.
26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover shouts out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.
27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.
28. TOOTH ACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.
29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.
30. TWO DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's anal region.
31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.
32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.
33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
34. PERIOD PAIN (1) : It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.
35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on the blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.
36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy, you've got to deal with it and take things through to there natural conclusion.
37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.
39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would have given us a snatch.
40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn (especially involving yourself) or a football match. No gardening or knitting programmes to be watched.
Normally, this post would get the shit kicked out of it by the mods.... :D
THE 40 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly at all times.The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.
3. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument;it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.
4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be arsed to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A finger up his arse should do the trick.
5. PHONE TURN-Off: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice". Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
8. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. here is no such thing as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?
13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon. If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take" your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. Of he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know- how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off in to well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I should buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder erection.
22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.
23. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.
24. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the male psyche.
25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.
26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover shouts out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.
27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has started to snore.
28. TOOTH ACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble now and again.
29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 minutes at least.
30. TWO DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's anal region.
31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or video camera.
32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a good thing.
33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
34. PERIOD PAIN (1) : It's natural for a woman to beg for a good seeing to but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or b) that it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before he met you.
35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on the blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this special time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.
36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy, you've got to deal with it and take things through to there natural conclusion.
37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so relaxed.
38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.
39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would have given us a snatch.
40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn (especially involving yourself) or a football match. No gardening or knitting programmes to be watched.
And a personal fave of mine....
Girl: Hi
Boy: hello
Boy: who is this?
Girl: just a someone?
Boy: A someone I know?
Girl: nope
Boy: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
Girl: well sorrrrrry
Girl: I just wanted to chat with you
Boy: why?
Girl: nevermind your an asshole
Boy: Hey wait a minute
Girl: yes?
Boy: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
Girl: paranoid?
Boy: yes
Girl: of what?
Girl: me?
Boy: No. I'm in hiding.
Girl: LOL
Boy: Don't fucking laugh at me!
Boy: This shit is serious!
Girl: What are you hiding from?
Boy: The cops.
Girl: gimme a fucking break
Boy: I'm serious.
Girl: I don't get it
Boy: The cops are after me.
Girl: For what?
Boy: I'm wanted in three states
Girl: For???
Boy: It's kindof embarrasing.
Boy: I had sex with a turkey.
Boy: Hello?
Girl: You are fucking sick.
Boy: Send me your picture.
Girl: why?
Boy: so I know you aren't one of them.
Girl: One of what?
Boy: The cops.
Girl: I'm not a cop i told you
Boy: Then send me your picture.
Girl: hold on
Boy: Hurry up.
Boy: Are you there?
Boy: fuck you, cop!
Girl: Hey sorry
Girl: I had to do something for my mom.
Boy: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
Boy: When really you were notifying the authorities.
Boy: Weren't you!?
Girl: thats not it
Boy: Then what?
Girl: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
Boy: Most cops aren't
Girl: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKHEAD!
Boy: Then send me the picture.
Girl: fine. What's your e-mail?
Boy: Just send it through here.
Girl: alright *PIC*
Girl: Did you get it?
Boy: Hold on. I'm looking.
Girl: That was me back in may
Girl: I've lost weight since then.
Boy: I hope so
Girl: what?!?
Girl: that hurt my feelings.
Boy: Did it?
Girl: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
Boy: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
Girl: yes
Boy: Alright let me find it.
Girl: kks
Boy: Okay here it is. *PIC*
Girl: this isn't you.
Boy: I'll be damned if it ain't!
Girl: You don't look like that.
Boy: How the hell do you know?
Girl: cause your profile has another picture.
Boy: The profile pic is a fake.
Boy: I use it to hide from the cops.
Girl: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
Boy: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
Boy: Not to mention all the groceries.
Girl: Go fuck yourself
Boy: I was going to until I saw that picture
Boy: Now my dick won't get hard for a week.
Girl: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
Girl: You've done nothing but slam me.
Girl: you hurt me.
Boy: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
Girl: I thought you were bullshitting me!
Boy: Why would I do that?
Girl: I can't believe that cops are after you
Boy: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
Girl: FUC YOU!!!
Boy: You'd break both of his legs.
Girl: You're a FUCKing asshole.
Girl: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
Girl: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
Boy: Ok. I'm sorry.
Girl: No you aren't
Boy: You're right. I'm not.
Boy: HAARRRRR!
Girl: I'm done with you
Boy: Aww. I'm sorry.
Girl: I'm putting you on ignore
Boy: Wait a sec
Boy: We got off on the wrong foot.
Boy: Wanna start over?
Girl: No
Boy: I'll eat your pussy
Girl: You'll what?
Boy: You heard me.
Boy: I said I'd eat your pussy.
Girl: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
Boy: Do I need a hard-on to eat your pussy?
Girl: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
Boy: Well I'm not like most men.
Boy: I get excited in different ways.
Girl: Like what?
Boy: Do you really wanna know?
Girl: I don't know
Boy: You have to tell me yes or no.
Girl: I'm afraid to
Boy: Why?
Girl: cause
Boy: cause why?
Girl: well lets see
Girl: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
Girl: doesn't that seem strange to you?
Boy: Nope
Girl: well its strange to me
Boy: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
Girl: I didn't say that
Boy: So is that a yes?
Girl: I guess so.
Boy: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
Boy: Are you willing?
Girl: What do you need me to do?
Boy: I need you talk like a pirate.
Girl: ???
Boy: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
Boy: ok?
Boy: Hello?
Girl: You can't be serious
Boy: Oh yes I am!
Boy: It's my fantasy.
Girl: this is retarded
Boy: Do you want it or not?
Girl: Yes I want it.
Boy: Then you'll do it for me?
Girl: sure
Boy: Ok. Here we go.
Boy: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
Boy: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
Boy: I softly begin to tounge your wet pussy.
Boy: I run my tounge up and down your smooth slit.
Girl: mmmm yeah
Boy: uh oh ...going limp.
Girl: Har
Boy: You gotta do better than that!
Boy: Your picture was really bad.
Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
Boy: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your pussy get more moist with every stroke.
Boy: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
Boy: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
Boy: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
Girl: mmmmmm you are good
Boy: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder
Boy: going limp
Girl: HARRRRRRR
Boy: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
Boy: You begin to sway back and forth.
Boy: going limp
Girl: this is stupid
Boy: ...still limp
Boy: Do it!
Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
Boy: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
Boy: I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.
Girl: WTF?!?!?
Boy: They stink really bad.
Girl: OMG STOP!!!
Boy: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
Boy: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
Boy: I ram it up your ass.
Girl: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
Boy: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
Boy: And turn you into a fucking candy apple...
Boy: I kick you in the face!
Girl: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!
Boy: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
Boy: Your parrot flys away.
Boy: ...going limp again.
Boy: Hello?
Boy: Say it!
Boy: HAARRRRRR!!!!!
I don't know why, but the 'Boy' reminds me of someone.... :twisted:
And a personal fave of mine....
Girl: Hi
Boy: hello
Boy: who is this?
Girl: just a someone?
Boy: A someone I know?
Girl: nope
Boy: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
Girl: well sorrrrrry
Girl: I just wanted to chat with you
Boy: why?
Girl: nevermind your an asshole
Boy: Hey wait a minute
Girl: yes?
Boy: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
Girl: paranoid?
Boy: yes
Girl: of what?
Girl: me?
Boy: No. I'm in hiding.
Girl: LOL
Boy: Don't fucking laugh at me!
Boy: This shit is serious!
Girl: What are you hiding from?
Boy: The cops.
Girl: gimme a fucking break
Boy: I'm serious.
Girl: I don't get it
Boy: The cops are after me.
Girl: For what?
Boy: I'm wanted in three states
Girl: For???
Boy: It's kindof embarrasing.
Boy: I had sex with a turkey.
Boy: Hello?
Girl: You are fucking sick.
Boy: Send me your picture.
Girl: why?
Boy: so I know you aren't one of them.
Girl: One of what?
Boy: The cops.
Girl: I'm not a cop i told you
Boy: Then send me your picture.
Girl: hold on
Boy: Hurry up.
Boy: Are you there?
Boy: fuck you, cop!
Girl: Hey sorry
Girl: I had to do something for my mom.
Boy: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
Boy: When really you were notifying the authorities.
Boy: Weren't you!?
Girl: thats not it
Boy: Then what?
Girl: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
Boy: Most cops aren't
Girl: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKHEAD!
Boy: Then send me the picture.
Girl: fine. What's your e-mail?
Boy: Just send it through here.
Girl: alright *PIC*
Girl: Did you get it?
Boy: Hold on. I'm looking.
Girl: That was me back in may
Girl: I've lost weight since then.
Boy: I hope so
Girl: what?!?
Girl: that hurt my feelings.
Boy: Did it?
Girl: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
Boy: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
Girl: yes
Boy: Alright let me find it.
Girl: kks
Boy: Okay here it is. *PIC*
Girl: this isn't you.
Boy: I'll be damned if it ain't!
Girl: You don't look like that.
Boy: How the hell do you know?
Girl: cause your profile has another picture.
Boy: The profile pic is a fake.
Boy: I use it to hide from the cops.
Girl: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
Boy: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
Boy: Not to mention all the groceries.
Girl: Go fuck yourself
Boy: I was going to until I saw that picture
Boy: Now my dick won't get hard for a week.
Girl: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
Girl: You've done nothing but slam me.
Girl: you hurt me.
Boy: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
Girl: I thought you were bullshitting me!
Boy: Why would I do that?
Girl: I can't believe that cops are after you
Boy: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
Girl: FUC YOU!!!
Boy: You'd break both of his legs.
Girl: You're a FUCKing asshole.
Girl: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
Girl: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
Boy: Ok. I'm sorry.
Girl: No you aren't
Boy: You're right. I'm not.
Boy: HAARRRRR!
Girl: I'm done with you
Boy: Aww. I'm sorry.
Girl: I'm putting you on ignore
Boy: Wait a sec
Boy: We got off on the wrong foot.
Boy: Wanna start over?
Girl: No
Boy: I'll eat your pussy
Girl: You'll what?
Boy: You heard me.
Boy: I said I'd eat your pussy.
Girl: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
Boy: Do I need a hard-on to eat your pussy?
Girl: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
Boy: Well I'm not like most men.
Boy: I get excited in different ways.
Girl: Like what?
Boy: Do you really wanna know?
Girl: I don't know
Boy: You have to tell me yes or no.
Girl: I'm afraid to
Boy: Why?
Girl: cause
Boy: cause why?
Girl: well lets see
Girl: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
Girl: doesn't that seem strange to you?
Boy: Nope
Girl: well its strange to me
Boy: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
Girl: I didn't say that
Boy: So is that a yes?
Girl: I guess so.
Boy: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
Boy: Are you willing?
Girl: What do you need me to do?
Boy: I need you talk like a pirate.
Girl: ???
Boy: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
Boy: ok?
Boy: Hello?
Girl: You can't be serious
Boy: Oh yes I am!
Boy: It's my fantasy.
Girl: this is retarded
Boy: Do you want it or not?
Girl: Yes I want it.
Boy: Then you'll do it for me?
Girl: sure
Boy: Ok. Here we go.
Boy: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
Boy: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
Boy: I softly begin to tounge your wet pussy.
Boy: I run my tounge up and down your smooth slit.
Girl: mmmm yeah
Boy: uh oh ...going limp.
Girl: Har
Boy: You gotta do better than that!
Boy: Your picture was really bad.
Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
Boy: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your pussy get more moist with every stroke.
Boy: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
Boy: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
Boy: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
Girl: mmmmmm you are good
Boy: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder
Boy: going limp
Girl: HARRRRRRR
Boy: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
Boy: You begin to sway back and forth.
Boy: going limp
Girl: this is stupid
Boy: ...still limp
Boy: Do it!
Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
Boy: I turn you around to lick your asshole.
Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
Boy: I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your asshole.
Girl: WTF?!?!?
Boy: They stink really bad.
Girl: OMG STOP!!!
Boy: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
Boy: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
Boy: I ram it up your ass.
Girl: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
Boy: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
Boy: And turn you into a fucking candy apple...
Boy: I kick you in the face!
Girl: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!
Boy: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
Boy: Your parrot flys away.
Boy: ...going limp again.
Boy: Hello?
Boy: Say it!
Boy: HAARRRRRR!!!!!
I don't know why, but the 'Boy' reminds me of someone.... :twisted:
ok theyre fucking hillarious :)
ok theyre fucking hillarious :)
Anonymous
17-03-2004, 00:57
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she
floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."
The Frenchman replies."Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
hinch says, "That aint nothing buddy. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe miself on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling each time..."
Anonymous
17-03-2004, 00:57
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she
floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."
The Frenchman replies."Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
hinch says, "That aint nothing buddy. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe miself on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling each time..."
normally her socks not curtains but effect is the same
normally her socks not curtains but effect is the same
In 1999 the creators of KY Jelly created a new product. It was called "Y2K Jelly." What was special about it? It allowed you to get four digits in your date instead of two . . .
In 1999 the creators of KY Jelly created a new product. It was called "Y2K Jelly." What was special about it? It allowed you to get four digits in your date instead of two . . .
i am so reusing that line EVERYWHERE
i am so reusing that line EVERYWHERE
Anonymous
17-03-2004, 02:40
You are all sick.
:(
and mean
YOU ARE SICK AND MEAN
Anonymous
17-03-2004, 02:40
You are all sick.
:(
and mean
YOU ARE SICK AND MEAN
Anonymous
17-03-2004, 10:36
You are all sick.
:(
and mean
YOU ARE SICK AND MEAN
OMG - A stiff.. Nerf da stiff... :roll:
Anonymous
17-03-2004, 10:36
You are all sick.
:(
and mean
YOU ARE SICK AND MEAN
OMG - A stiff.. Nerf da stiff... :roll:
Cannings
17-03-2004, 11:28
thats fucking hilarious yo. hold on i'm going limp Yeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwww sorry i got a cowboy thing going :P
Cannings
17-03-2004, 11:28
thats fucking hilarious yo. hold on i'm going limp Yeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwww sorry i got a cowboy thing going :P
she has her moments :)
LOL - Didn't know Sallie was a she :D
Ah well, you better have thick skin 'cos my jokes and stuff don't get much better ;)
EDIT----
LOL - the text when you quote someone is the same colour as the quote background :D
she has her moments :)
LOL - Didn't know Sallie was a she :D
Ah well, you better have thick skin 'cos my jokes and stuff don't get much better ;)
EDIT----
LOL - the text when you quote someone is the same colour as the quote background :D
Cannings
17-03-2004, 11:32
he's rite he's jokes have always scraped the barrel
Cannings
17-03-2004, 11:32
he's rite he's jokes have always scraped the barrel
yeah ill fix quotes later and fucking hell you guys post fast
yeah ill fix quotes later and fucking hell you guys post fast
ahahahahahahahahaaaahhahhaahha
HARRRRRR !
LOL i gotta save that one somewhere
ahahahahahahahahaaaahhahhaahha
HARRRRRR !
LOL i gotta save that one somewhere
Cannings
17-03-2004, 11:38
try and recreate it with the next fat gurl u try and pull over the net cy. :P
Cannings
17-03-2004, 11:38
try and recreate it with the next fat gurl u try and pull over the net cy. :P
lol fu
at least i have a GF instead of a sheep like you =P
and dotn dare to say anything agains her................................grrr
lol fu
at least i have a GF instead of a sheep like you =P
and dotn dare to say anything agains her................................grrr
What's wrong with sheep? :oops:
HARRRRRRRR +1
EDIT-------
Come to that, what's wrong with fat chicks? :D
What's wrong with sheep? :oops:
HARRRRRRRR +1
EDIT-------
Come to that, what's wrong with fat chicks? :D
you saw that movie.. how high ? o_O
you saw that movie.. how high ? o_O
or that movie night on earth ?
with the priest and the taxi driver ?
LOL
best movie ever :)
or that movie night on earth ?
with the priest and the taxi driver ?
LOL
best movie ever :)
Cannings
17-03-2004, 11:48
i'm lethal on jupi theres a pretty hot bird called chichi unfortunately rl gf of swork but hey nothing is impossible and infact the gurl i'm after in rl has a bf i see a trend here.
Also the pic echse posted of his bird i wouldn't mind getting my hands on her. But ur gurl cy...... i'll stop lol
Cannings
17-03-2004, 11:48
i'm lethal on jupi theres a pretty hot bird called chichi unfortunately rl gf of swork but hey nothing is impossible and infact the gurl i'm after in rl has a bf i see a trend here.
Also the pic echse posted of his bird i wouldn't mind getting my hands on her. But ur gurl cy...... i'll stop lol
FJASOPFSJUç"+*ç+ç+")/?SDJKAPJK)=?+)=?/()"=+JDASKDNHA/(R%/&+"*ç/(
KOS
FJASOPFSJUç"+*ç+ç+")/?SDJKAPJK)=?+)=?/()"=+JDASKDNHA/(R%/&+"*ç/(
KOS
Cannings
17-03-2004, 11:50
or that movie with the priest the woman the plumber and the donkey! :shock:
Cannings
17-03-2004, 11:50
or that movie with the priest the woman the plumber and the donkey! :shock:
AllFather
17-03-2004, 12:34
david fondles teens :(
AllFather
17-03-2004, 12:34
david fondles teens :(
anti rince spam post
If I want the advice of a retard, I'll slap you on the back of the head and wake up that little peg legged hamster that operates the drool-powered waterwheel of thought in there. Until then, sit in the corner and wait until I either speak to you or spit at you, got it fucko?
anti rince spam post
If I want the advice of a retard, I'll slap you on the back of the head and wake up that little peg legged hamster that operates the drool-powered waterwheel of thought in there. Until then, sit in the corner and wait until I either speak to you or spit at you, got it fucko?
HAHA!
:shock: :lol:
Cannings
23-03-2004, 14:32
lol
Cliffraiser
23-03-2004, 14:46
HAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!@!1112121111oneoeneon
i want more of that shit, its hilarious :lol:
HAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!@!1112121111oneoeneon
i want more of that shit, its hilarious :lol:
Congratulations! You have just proved the theory that there is no limit to human stupidity. You should offer your posting style to hospital operating theatres as a highly-effective alternative to unconsciousness-inducing medications.
You amaze me! I didn't think it was possible for one person to possess such a vast reservoir of undiluted gibberish! If you're going to say something that ignorant, you could at least fake a stroke. Well, you're certainly thoughtless; I just wish that you were keyboard-less, too. As Ellen Glasgow once remarked: "He knows so little and knows it so fluently."
You have that certain nothing. Truly, you are about as interesting as watching a slug move slowly across a large rock. Why don't you close your mouth before someone sticks an apple in it? Maybe you wouldn't come across as such a jellyfish-sucking mental midget if you had enough brains to find water after falling down a well; if your weren't so fat that when you stand on the weighing scale, it reads: "Sorry, we don't weigh livestock.", or if you didn't have a face that makes your dentist treat you by mail-order. Nah, of course you would.
To sum up: you are about as smart as your rubber bow tie and two left shoes suggest, Bozo. Now, go curl back up in your corner, and continue chewing on your toenails.
Cliffraiser
23-03-2004, 14:52
congralutations! yous ave just proved da theory dat there is no limit to uman stupidity. yous should offa your postin style to ostipal operatin theatres as a ighly-effective alternative to unconsciousness-inducing medications.
yous amaze me! i didn't think it was possible fa one main man to possess such a vast reservoir of undiluted gibberish! if yous is goin to say somethin dat ignorant, yous could at least fake a stroke. well, yous is aye thoughtless; i just wish dat yous were keyboard-less, too. as ellun glasgow once remarked: "he knows so little and knows it so fluently."
yous ave dat certain nothin. for real, yous is about as interestin as watchin a slug move slowly across a massiv speed garage. why don't yous close your mouf before someone sticks an apple in it? maybe yous wouldn't come across as such a jellyfish-sucking mental midget if yous did ave enough brains to check wata afta fallin down a well; if your weren't so large dat whun yous stand on da weighin scale, it reads: "sorry, we don't weigh livestock.", or if yous didn't ave a face dat makes your dentist treat yous by mail-order. nah, of course yous would.
to sum up: yous is about as smart as your rubba bow tie and two left shoes suggest, bozo. now, go curl back up in your corna, and continue chewin on your toenails.
exactly my words :P
Hmmm i think this thread, although i really dont know what he is about, is perfect just to say hi.
So....hi :D
Greetings
Storm
[FAnG]
Cliffraiser
23-03-2004, 14:55
hi :wink:
Cannings
23-03-2004, 14:59
Hmmm i think this thread, although i really dont know what he is about, is perfect just to say hi.
So....hi :D
Greetings
Storm
[FAnG]
STORM!!!!!
Me > U!!!!11
Every thread gets hijacked and spammed as soon as it is posted, so any thread can be used to say hi... they all have the same fate...
And hi :D
CryptoChronic
23-03-2004, 15:13
yea when this clan gets serious we should cut down on the spam or at least have 1 forum were spam not alloud... *points at cannings* :roll:
Cannings
23-03-2004, 15:17
yea when this clan gets serious we should cut down on the spam or at least have 1 forum were spam not alloud... *points at cannings* :roll:
Clearly, you have lost your fingertip grip on reality and have descended into an abyss of irreversible lunacy. Generally, there is nothing wrong with having nothing worthwhile to say - unless you insist on saying it but simply repeating what other people have said to you shows that you have very little of your own ideas or opinions. Reading your post makes blindness a wonderful thing to look forward to. As Abba Eban so aptly said: "His ignorance is encyclopedic."
You are an unequivocally appalling peon and a fiendish, one dimensional wretched horror to all who encounter you.
Hmmm i think this thread, although i really dont know what he is about, is perfect just to say hi.
So....hi :D
Greetings
Storm
[FAnG]
STORM!!!!!
Me > U!!!!11
Hey Cannings watch out, im the PPU you'r crying for next time you'r lying with red sl in the middle of our sweet canyon :D
storm darling it'll be me he's screaming for as usual soon enough :)
and these are spam only forums :)
but the clan section will be spam free once we're up and running spam in after hours and working hours and important stuff in clan section
Cannings
23-03-2004, 16:01
storm i think i've been red sl on jupi more times than i've been green sl lol but i can always run to my apt :P
storm i think i've been red sl on jupi more times than i've been green sl lol but i can always run to my apt :P
dont tell me, since we came back to TG, wie griefed 2 whole clans out of the canyon, thats hardcore mission running :>
storm thats all fang ever seem to do :) kick every other clan outta tg :)
btw F/F is my new target :) we be griefing them out of canyon :)
Cannings
23-03-2004, 16:26
specially that kaycee biatch
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